I try my best and strain back to remember what i've done this year

What has stood out

And to be honest, nothing, except the last two-to-three months...

So here i go, with my recap of 2009 for my own purposes.

Well, i did remember, while doing the dishes, that today, last year/the beginning of 2009, i accepted that i could crush on a very good friend of mine [La Keichan]{and despite it all, i think i may still have that sort of thing for her... You know, you still love your first love, right?} But despite how horribly it hurt to watch her throw her heart away towards useless men, and bumbling baffoons of which she still cannot get over, flirt with horrible-intentioned men at church in front of me while i die inside silently and only wished to cry for day to end, i have grown. And because of these horrible emotional scars of which may or may not go away in a couple months or so, i have been able to accept some emotional issues concerning the idea of "love" and some of my own confrontations with physical and mental situations [none of this is making sense. Like i told Steph, i'm running off like 2 hours of sleep >3<]

That was the beginning of the year. A debate, what should i do concerning the "asexuality" issue with me. Keara, recently, has enlightened me onto the idea that "you have been telling yourself that for so long, that you can't accept any difference"
And i agree, this is probably the situation. But there are other situations that i will not discuss in public that i will differ her with >3<
The year 2009, i suppose, was SUPPOSED to be an entire year dedicated to the debate of my sexuality for me, it seems... How much pain i can take for the sake of another's warm, soothing body to coo me to bed.....
I digress.

Another situation during the year, that now if i take a few steps back and look at, was health. My family, began to do the whole "i'm going to be skinny and healthy and be good to myself because i'm old and i'm afraid of dying"
They have lost their weight
They have done their marathons
They have set goals for themselves, and completed them
They feel good about themselves
I honestly don't give a fuck. America's "go green" and "be healthy" shitfuck is a piece of shit. Just like America's "new and improved throw-away Tupperware!" yeah, good idea, you fuckfaces.Anyway, eventually, all good will turn bad, and everything is going to end just like it started. There's my view on health. Fuckit.

Now, ...that's still about beginning of the year. I've made it a complete year working! Ohyeah, good thing for my resume.. My...resume...for a job... that...will be useless if i don't go to college..if i don't graduate highschool. Ohgawd! We've forgotten about my entire year stress of 'how am i going to get loss PE credit?!' 'How am i going to pass all required math classes without being held back?' 'Will i even make it past this year?!' and many more questions arose while trying to further find my newself this year. In the end, i passed Algrebra 1, ohyeah! After the second year, you still know NOTHING! PE? Well, go to BCC next year..oh...wait... You forgot, your HALFYEARNOWMORETHANAYEAR ATTEMPT AT CONVINCING YOUR PARENTS TO LET YOU PRACTICE DRIVING, AND RE-LIVING YOUR FEAR OF MISSES ROBINSON'S DOMINEERING EYES FEARING FOR HER VERY LIFE BECAUSE YOUR LEGS ARE TOO FUCKING SMALL TO PROPERLY PUSH DOWN THE GAWDDAMNPEDAL WITHOUT WEARING HEELS, BECAUSE YOUR TORSO IS TOO SMALL TO SEE OVER THE FUCKING STEERING WHEEL TO CORRECTLY MAKE TURNS AND PARK. BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS USE ALL OF THESE REASONS, AND THEN SOME, TO NOT ALLOW YOU TO PRACTICE, AND THEN TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULD GET A SMALL CAR(and Mrs. Robinson's domineering eyes still telling you you still need to practice). TO RAISE MONEY...MONEY,YEAH I'M ALMOST AT 2K AND YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO SAY YOU DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HELP ME

..I will once again digress, Highschool is remaining to be a burden on me. The thought of College... All year, all years, i have had an idea of what i want to do. And why. I've always enjoyed sewing... i love different clothes... You want to be a Fashion Designer.. a Costume Designer. A designer where they will accept you for new ideas- a designer for Japan. You will learn Japanese [incorrect] and re-learn Japanese at Bunka, then you will go to their fashion skool and then afterward, make an internet business while living in Luxembourg while you learn Dutch [it's fun]

You realize you can't sew
You realize you're not creative
You realize there's no originality
You realize that there's so many limits to your clothes
Your 'designed' clothes
You re-remembered, money is a huge issue
You laughed when you re-remembered, who the fuck cares about Japan?
You wanted to cry when your parents said you were stupid because you wanted to go to 'germany'. That their crime rate is high, and that police will maul your face because they believe the people should protect themselves
You remembered.... That politics are different, especially in Europe, and that you will never understand other people..

And on, the day of New Years... The Eve, rather... You feel like your whole existence has crumbled... It's like... When someone tells you something, and you honestly believe it. And you have believed it for so long.... And then... Years later, after believing for long, and so strongly.. That person tells you it was a lie, and they laugh in your face for believing them. [I didn't have that problem with Santa, i knew from the start >_> so i can't compare it to that... But you know, that horribly empty feeling you get...Like a chunk of your heart was very neatly taken out and lost for a little while...until you fill it with play-doh and it feels better,but not right...yeah..]{also: look at all those analogies i'm using. I love analogies}

Once again, digressing. Skool: fuckit.

Events there afterward... Skool, health...Obsessions: Well, there wasn't too many this year.

Ohyes, while reading back on old entries, trying to refresh my mind about this year: Friendship.
Oh, how that one has been a burden to be. I've made so many new friends, and i've even gained some old ones back [ohey Twiggy/.die. and Peji :3]
Not only just Sophomore year did i make friends, but even junior year.
For some reason, i mainly think of Japanese class, when thinking about "new friendships."

I suppose it's because of that class that i became closer to Valerie. Who has pretty much become my sister (whether she likes it or not >3) within just one year of talking to her face-to-face. The amazing amount of awkward moments, and awkward laughs, even the inside jokes, and common hatreds, and common loves... It was horrible that i was only able to get to know you you're senior year, but i'm also so very glad that we can maintain being friends even with you at college : D
But beyond Valerie making my life (not only in Japanese)- but there was Skye. Who has also been a thrill to be with when she wasn't being a jerk and not talking to us xD [which reminds me of a little boy, who's obviously going to be mentioned eventually]
Paige, we've had our ups and downs. Whether you realized it or not; our personalities just collide way too much xDBut you're still my Fellow LOTR Fanatic from 6th grade and that will never change. We have a past, and i'm not too sure about our future; but our present is pretty chill :3

The rest of the Japanese class? Well, Murakami sensei will gift me with her horribly awkward moments, and strange mannerisms, her story telling, and just, being really, really girly for her age was amazing. I am glad i was able to be "taught" under her for a good year :3

Aside from Murakami, i've made friends with the rest of the Japanese class mainly Junior year! And i think, i'm going to take it in myself, to become better acquaintances with Mikayla, because i realized she's pretty cool, even though she's a weeaboo (and is dating Jacob Woo D: )
I have no idea why i decided, of all the people in that class, Mikaya, but whatever. She has been chosen xD

Oliviaaaaaaa [i just read through another entry] i have most definitely become better friends with Bogmonster. And that brings me many joys, because she is positively amazing. And i want to draw for her all the time, and play video games with her, and talk about silly things. She is great, and i wish she went to Ribery >:

And while talking about Olivia, i'll talk about Rosie/Big Red too! xD she is also amazing, in that awkward and outgoing kind of way. I don't know her very well, but she's obviously very cool if she's friends with the Harringtons. I have very gently hit the top of BigRed's amazingness xDi just need to get to know her better, that's all i can say!

And of course, we're back to "remaking" friends. Braden. Oh Braden, Braden, Braden. Last skool year, you befriended us [the upperclassman (minus Kenzie and Zack..andJulie...)] and would just disappear. Disappear, so randomly you did. To the point where it pissed me off, and this skoolyear i decided not to be friends with you. Little did i know, that there would be an extremely attractive man by the name of Brandon Lepkowski that would attend Ribery for 2009-2010
And that Braden and Brandon would become very good friends
And that Amelia would have a fatty crush on Braden which would allow me to talk to both Brandon and Braden
And that i would randomly set myself a goal to become friends with Brandon, only because he is very attractive [and actually really funny too xD]
And then, in turn (after becoming friends with K'nuckles) become pretty well friends with Braden in a matter of weeks to actually dating him >3<
And although, i am humiliated i have done so; but i have yet to feel a large amount of regret towards dating him. He has been a doll, and honest (ithink) and......well that will be said later :3

Well, that brought me to remember: K'nuckles! Wow, i met K'nuckles only about two months ago,though.. And you know what? Funny enough it was pretty much the equivalent of how i met Val; on the Internet first.
At that time, it was also the very beginning of the year. I had set myself a goal to make new friends; because Kendra, Zazu, and Mclane were giving me the cold-shoulder hardcore and it was pissing me off that they can't say shit to my face if i'm annoying them. So i took it in myself to make new friends.
Back to the story: I set myself a goal to make new friends, and K'nuckles was spoken of by Valerie a few times before. Ironically enough, "he" (or facebook?) wanted to add me as a friend. I had no clue who he was, seen him, or anything, but only knew about him from Val. So i decided, sure, i'll take that step and add him as a friend.
On a bored, bored day of his, he sent me a link which would ULTIMATELY TURN OUR LIVES AROUND! (lul) and i played omgpop with him.....So the next day i was like "i'm going to make new friends!" and i saw him in the hall, so i petted him, and alerted him that we played games the previous night.
It was insta-friendship from that moment on pretty much. We Skyped every night, and omgpop'd every night... xD until he found out Braden and i were dating, and then dissipated from my life. But i'm forcing him back in, cause he's a cool kid and we hate not having cool kids as our friends >3

WHICH, while on a rant about K'nuckles, i remembered my strange "friendship" which has puked itself out of my current classes. Case 1: Iman Belalli. I had been friends with her last skoolyear because she was in Drivers Ed with Kchan and me, and Kchan talked to her, and then Iman switched to my bus because she hadn't gotten her liscence yet... So i would talk to Iman on the bus, cause we hated everyone and called them the fuck out. The current skoolyear rolled around and Iman had her liscence... But we have Ethnic Studies together! And oh, guess what else! Learn and Earn!
Quickly Iman and i became class-buddies... She's awesome, and funny, a new type of friend who is genuine and not at the same time. She probably thinks i'm insane, or just really boring [i recently found out she thinks i'm shy...but again, another story ._.]
Case 2: Alyssa Villablanca. This woman! I didn't even know her name up until i had Learn and Earn with her, to be honest. She's friends with Zazu and Kendra, i knew that. She loved my hair, and gave me a picture of an Arnold Schwarzenegger *his last name is in the dictionary >_>* chicken [of which i still have and adore] but little did i know how much stress would illuminate itself from her very being. The type of girl she is, is still confusing me. But i accept her whole-heartedly, in that kind of....Loving, because i can, kind of friendship. There's no intentions, pitty, no super-emotional connections. Just. Because. I. Can.
Alyssa is also a doll :3

What has also been brought to my attention, though, (thanks Keara) is that i saw a nice amount of bands this year of 2009. I saw Dir en Grey for my first time. Although, the new album is bringing endless pain, i still saw them, after 6 years of waiting... And then i saw Girugamesh...Although, i did not see them play (which was very sad, the videos seemed like it was actually pretty cool)it was a good experience. Not only just to see them, and they make fun of me and me back to them, but because it allowed me to get closer to Orivia/Bogmonster and Keara. Funtimes ensued with both of them : D

I saw Cradle of Filth with Kendra; although, i didn't care much for the bands, the concert-experience of it was a good growth for me, and something to remember. How nice people can be because i'm short, and how disgusting people can be, because i'm a girl "OTL (ADAM); and even with the goods/wierds, we had the bads with the joeyjordison/w13wannabe boy who i saw at SakuraCon too being a dick and only flirting with slutgirls >_<

But i'm going to... once again... digress. This entry has become ill-thought out once again, and has become bumbles.
I will recollect.

Stinky, my delicious Stinky...You are missed, and you almost made it to a year... Almost...a year... How excited i was to behold a creature, small enough to fit in my hands. Hyper enough to play with [only in consideration to what he would let me D:] and just amusing to watch...But still be able to pet. Stinky, you are missed, through the fun times, of being too awake during the nights. And i would just pull you out of your cage, and play with you on my bed. Or watching you run around the bathtub, so angry you were half wet. Your unique coat, and favorable red eyes. Your little feets and hands/claws that were never well trimmed... Stinky, we miss, and love you...

...That was supposed to be about getting him, and how excited i was, but it turned out to be about how sad i am that he's now gone..

Well, once again, here we are. My year. Financially, i have been spending horrible amounts of money (mainly to china) for selfish reasons. I have explored ways to go with my financial ' problems' though, i made "creatures" for that Charity event my sister's landlord did. Yes, that was this year [i'm pretty amazed also. That seemed like too long ago]; it was a nice experience that someone was going to take home something i made. Unknowing of the person who made it, and where the creature was made from. That they probably have different names, or displayed somewhere silly..Or eaten, or torn apart, or burned. Which ever you wish to fantasize about... But the idea that someone actually cared enough is a nice feeling..

And now it seems that we must descend to the past couple of months.. [because it also concerns Cuba and the raised embargo]
Cuba: The raised Embargo. We already went through how i feel about the whole thing...But i suppose it is quite a feat for Cuba, and should be remembered. Also: as a side note, only Cuban Americans can go to Cuba via America[aka without going to a second country]

The Cubans, my lost heritage. The people who have died this year, and have affected me. It started with Delfina, oh Tia Delfina. You were a kicker, a beautiful woman, and you are in our hearts.
Tia Maria, it may be the last time i see you; i remember you from my childhood.. and i wish i could have known more about you.
There's the whole scare that happened with my grandma Popo quickly afterward; her insane Japanese-heart-stress-related incident.
Another of my Tia's, one who still lived in Cuba has also died this year. We obviously did not know her, but she and Delfina will be together.

Then we move to Aunt Meishelle, of my step-father's side. Her heart condition, which stressed out her own family, and our family beyond comprehension.
And with that time, came the time i will never forget. A day that our eyes were set on Tara, and her responsibilities, or lack of... Ryoko, you were a baby. You were our baby. And forever you will be.... The stress of what happened, and what didn't happen that day will not leave our hearts.
My family burst in shatters, as soon as Ryoko was found dead.
Thanksgiving, you piece of shit. Inconsiderate, awkward, and deranged. A morbid sense of humor drifted from our craniums; as we stared at "the husband and son who arrived without their wife and their mother"
The turkey was dry, and our mouths were trying to stuff our sorrow. The fight that ensued, ' pay your bills be responsible'
Christmas day, we believe everything is forgotten
Expensive purses, and shameful money was passed out
Bored faces stretched across the day
She disappears
*cut*
Enter the blond
She had everything
and could still have more
What has she become, for the sake of 'looking cool'?
She knows what she's doing
She chooses to be 'scandalous' and 'dangerous'
You were a good girl
You were a good girl with a bored upbringing
A neglectful father
A man who dates younger woman
He's fallen in himself with horror
We cry when the "irresponsible" arrives back home
She eats our food
And says "fuck you" to your face
The parents eyes, wondering what's going on with her beautiful little head
What did we do wrong
What didn't we teach you
Money's a problem in more than one place
When you're in this home
You're following their rules
But the dog is dead
We don't want to blame you
But we want you to take the blame
Understand our thoughts
Understand us,just us


......I don't understand how it ended up being a "poem"/"lyrical" [i'll blame Tara and Keara on that OTL] but that explains my last two-months-to-a-week

Here we are again, today. New Years eve. I suppose that my year has been more eventful than i realized, but most definitely nothing i have completely grown from. Nothing that will change lives and my life for years to come.
More like, the year has been full of sorrow, and poverty...
I write this only for myself [i apologize to anyone who has even gotten this far down the entry without ragequitting.] This entry wasn't meant to be read, but rather a reminder to myself, that my life hasn't been completely wasted. Though, mainly wasted...

I will not bid a "Good New Years" because it will be a lie. The most prominent things of all years to come, will be the most horrible, disgusting, and negative things to happen. But little do we realize, that with those we have those equal and opposing forces play forward. We will be filled with happiness, whether uncontrollable, or not ... There will be happiness.. We will barely remember those memories, because we only learn from what hurts us most. It is human, to forget what we love dearly, and only remember what we hate.

But with that, the year will end. And the day will end. The week will end... And life will end. We must only accept, and learn... Either from our mistakes, others mistakes, or just plain misfortune.

Good night Year
Good night People
Good night Nature
Good night Earth
Good night Love
Good night Hate
Good night Cheesey Entry... :3

I don't give a fuck about my to do list..i'm too stressed

Ohyeah, as a cute reminded to myself:

This year, my mother and i are reverting back to Latin tradition to eating 12 grapes at midnight.
Or atleast, i hope my mum is awake by then so we can do it.

We used to do it with my grandma Popo when we lived in California. We also threw water onto the street!
Yesterday my mum was trying to find her horoscope on a latin website [there's also that tradition that my grandma watches the Puerto Rican Psychic "Walter" somethingsomethignsoemthing who makes me think of a priest] and she came across an article stating "Crazy things we do on New Years"

And we remembered the grapes- i said we should do it. And my mum bought grapes today!
So our superstitions are kicking in, and we're gonna do that :3

In a very...very long time...

Yesterday... I was so excited..
Everything is falling into place..
I like someone, and they say they like me back. I'm going to spend time with my friends and see a movie, which we haven't done in a long time.. And then i'll be spending the next day with the one i really like..

I was so excited, i had been talking about pretty much since Wednesday. Saturday rolled around, and i woke up at about 10~ in the afternoon because i needed to take a shower.. When i opened the door, a release of air coming from those fat little nostrils came forth. There sat Ryoko, looking up at me like "Morning! Can i sleep in your bed?" like she usually does... It was such a nice greeting, for such a perfect day. I said "Hey Pokies, morning." and petted her...kissed between her eyes and went to the shower...

After the shower, i began cleaning... I noticed there was an absence in my dogs, but i figured they were just with Tara, or sleeping in my parents room still...
And so i cleaned, for an hour or so. I look into my mum's room and see a fat little Ryoko laying against my mum's clothes hangers. I go in and pet her, because i felt like i should. That kind of ...absent feeling, where you know you have to say something, but you can't remember.. So i told mum she had a fat lazy dog in her room.. We stared at Ryoko and pet her, her fat-winces coming forth everytime i moved my hand, and my mum making fun of her tired face, with her puffy lip.

I leave, because i wanted to get cleaning-time done before Zazu and Kendra arrive.. And i also wanted to talk to Braden and Gina for a little..

Which is exactly what happened, i got dressed after talking to them, and left with Zazu and Kendra...
We went to Larkin's, of which we stayed at not too long. We left with the family to Wallingford, and there to Stellars; which is a Pizza restaurant which also sells beer in pitches [it's pretty intense ._.]
I noticed it was getting pretty late, yet we were eating. So i asked Zazu when the movie was starting [Men Who Stare to Goats] she said "9:40"

I had no idea; but i knew that my curfew is 10-12... So i called the house.. Tara picks up, and i couldn't hear very much because of the restaurant. Tara tells me to call Mum on her cellphone. So i do. I tell mother i'll be home late, because of the late showing. She said she was visiting my Aunt Meichelle (Meichelle has been sick the past week or two because of a heart condition. She may die, so my parents have been visiting her often..) Mother says to call her when the movie is done. I said "Alright." and hung up..

After photo-booth pictures, making fun of Mclane, and drawing on "HEY KIDS, TELL YOUR PARENTS TO BUY MORE BEER" coloring-sheets. There i told them about how my mother said we might be taking my Aunt's dog Busa {Which is a Mastiff mix with Pitbull} and how excited i am to have three pitbulls. But it will be scary, because there's two girls, but one guy... But we'd figure it out.

We left for U-district/Wallingford area soon after.

On the way there we got lost. It was so fun. We yelled and screamed, told each other stories... Panicked, screamed more. It was our time, we were together, and it was so nice..

We walk around the area once we park, and find a bathroom in the 7/11 where we took pictures and frolicked. We went back to the MoonDog place, where they make home-made icecream.. It's really good, but the line was too long! We decided to forget the icecream and go to the movies.

The movie was funny. I'm a hard ass, so i didn't laugh tons (although it was still very funny : ) ). But Zazu was laughing THE WHOLE TIME.

We talk about the movie, and how much Zazu laughed while the credits rolled. We were there until everyone cleared the theater. We walked out, and i was following Larkin... she was going to the bathroom, so i texted Braden... I thought about not calling my mum; but then i realized that it's late already, and if we do something more i'll need to call her anyway.

So i called..
She picked up the phone, as if exhausted, and balling, she said "India, come home now" "What's wrong?!" i thought my aunt had died, to be honest... And i was expecting it, so i wasn't too surprised if that was the reply. But it wasn't... through the shitty reception of both of our phones i hear "Dogs escaped...Dead... Trying to find Kameko"

By this time Larkin was already out of the bathroom, she was staring at me... I felt like my eyes were going to fall out of my head... The image that came to mind were my dogs being ran over. I almost instantly cried, if it weren't for Larkin's quick embrace. I began to panic, and i couldn't find my words. I hung up on my mum and Larkin and i raced down the stairs to Zazu.. Where i .. guiltily, freaked out and told her i need to go home as soon as possible...

I feel bad, i should have been nicer... But i don't know still, what else i would have done. If one of my dogs were dead, i would be crushed.
>i think i've said before, that i honestly believe i could accept the deaths of almost any body. Except my mother, my dogs, and mostly my grandma. If i think about the possibility of them dying, i start to ball..<

We go to the car and leave.. On the way there, i try to act as normal as possible. Kendra and i laid on each other (she was tired) while i texted Braden about the situation.. He had been texting me throughout about mid-way of the movie... Larkin told me a horrifically sad story about Olivia and her mum. Of which i told Olivia i loved her last night; i don't think she understood why. But i hope that helps her, even just a little...

While nearing my home, Larkin told us story about her brothers, and her sister. And how one of her mum's ex-husbands is a sick-fuck.
All the while, i'm looking at the road...hoping to see Ryoko, or Kameko... My mother calls me, "We found Kameko.."
"... Is Ryoko dead?"
"I'll tell you when you get here."
"I'm really close.. I'll be there soon."

As we got closer to my house, i began to frantically look for blood on the road. The possibility that i might see my dog's splattered guts on the floor was the only thing i could think of. As we turned into the entrance of the mountain, i thought the pine-needles int he middle of the road were blood... I literally felt a shock run up my spine as i stared at it..and realized/hoped it was just pine-needles..

We arrived at my house. I told everyone goodbye, and thank you for the time. I hugged each one, and rushed down to my door. When i opened the door i waited for a second, straining to hear the crawler's jingle... Please...jingle..

I go over to the stairs, while i hear one jingle... Kameko, staring down at me from the top of the stiars, her ears perked up... She's not excited, but more curious. My heart sinks, but i still try to get hope... Even though, at this point, there's no logical hope... I rub Kameko's hear and kiss her on the head "Hey Meekies.." i look around.. There's a lump on my parent's bed.. That's Chris... I see a white shoulder in the computer-room chair.. Mother.. I walk over to her "What happened.."

she turns around, slightly red.. But you can tell she had stopped crying for a little. She says "Tara had some friends over... and they let the dogs out... Ryoko got ran over.. We picked her up and she's in the garage.. We're going to cremate her.."
I didn't know what to do.. I had accepted it on the way back home... But at the same time, it's still so hard that i won't have that fat-ass of my cute dog any more. The thought of someone hit-and-running my fucking dog. The thought of Kameko still running after that.. The thought of Ryoko's pain... The thoughts, the thoughts.. I began to cry.. They weren't full of emotion.. But rather, a dull, 'what do i do now?' and/or numb kind of crying... Mother hugged me.. And we cried for about 5 minutes.. My legs shook, i was trying to blame someone.. Was it my sister? Was she drunk? Was it the driver's fault? Is it my fault for leaving? Is it Chris and Mum's fault for leaving? Is it the fault of the house, because we live so close to the high-way? I couldn't find a way.. And still the thought of Ryoko.. no more cute little face, no more fat belly.. no more puffy lip.. no more puffy nose... no more small triangle feet, or the clawing.. Who's going to hog my bed? Who am i going to cuddle with and play with and doesn't give a fuck? Who's going to eat all the scraps on the floor?! Who's going to be my tiny dancer!?

I cried.. i didn't know what to do... By that time all of my makeup was off from rubbing.. I got undressed... While getting undressed i called Braden, and told him.. because i couldn't text right then.. i was too delirious. He tried to sympathize me with how his old cat is lost and he hasn't seen it since... I told him thank you for listening, and i didn't expect him to sympathize but rather i called to tell him the plans for tomorrow may be off because i'm so incredibly devastated... We hung up.. I called Larkin, and told her.. She said she wanted to turn around and come help me.. But that's not what i needed. I wanted time to ball alone, and i can't cry in front of people.. It's really hard for me.. I called Gina... She's been crying too : )

I laid down and cried...and cried... and cried... i stopped...but i would think about how she's gone..and what she meant to me..and how i wasn't able to spend much time with her before i left, and how it was exactly like Aiko... I barely saw her.. And how Ryoko was the momma to the puppies, and Aiko was the momma to Ryoko. And Ryoko's scars she got from all of her lessons... No more Battle-Scar Ryoko... she didn't even get to make it to 13... She's not too old.. not old enough... She's with Aiko..i hope Aiko remembers her...

I was like that until 1... when i heard Kameko... i took Kameko into my room... while she was laying down, i head a jingle... And it wasn't from Kameko... I cried more.. I hoped Ryoko would visit me in my dreams like Aiko did.. She didn't.. Maybe she's still lost...

I texted Braden throughout most of the night... asking him if he could come over Sunday and i could use him for comfort.. We talked about his cats, and his mum.. And necrophiliasm.. I told him to go to sleep : 3

I slept with Kameko... (when i woke her up she looked at me...aggrivated.. I think she's realized though.. That Ryoko isn't here... I'm not sure if she's realized she's not coming back..)
When i woke up at about 7:30, i heard my mom crying in the computer room. She was writing her version of yesterday...

[link]


I was planning on writing about it anyway, so i decided i might as well...especially now...

Good night Ryoko... No dog will be like you : )

~The rain is washing away the tears of my best friend's corpse...~

[edit] 12/16/09

D: Stinky, my beloved little gray/brown/white red eyed hammy died sometime between this early morning [before 4] and yesterday afternoon... He was running earlier yesterday, for almost all the day. And he had already been fed, and his cage was JUST cleaned... I realized he hadn't been on his wheel, or scampering about for a while last night... I found him in the corner of the cage, laying on his back, his paws close to his chest, and his feet and tail in the air... I stared at him, seeing if he was breathing [and it must have been my imagination], and figured i'll check him when i come home tomorrow [today]

>: Braden came over today, and i went to check on Stinky... He was in the same place, unmoved... I moved the cage, hoping he would be woken up by the sound... He didn't move..
I figured that's probably why Kameko was staring at the cage last night-even though he wasn't moving..

Well, i loved him... Not as much as Ryoko, but still enough that i'll really honestly miss him. There's a giant hole in my shelf where he was D: and now i won't hear his scampering.. Or see his nice red eyes, that so uniquely fit his soft gray/brown fur... I'll miss his white chin/mouth.. and his little feet...
Good night Stinky..
[/edit]

Wow...kay...so like... last month was really weird

So i may have mentioned a couple of new people in my last entry [and entry somewhere!?]
1-K'nuckles/Nick Russel
2-Braden
3-Brandon

So... facebook? K'nuckles/Nick decided to link me to OMGpop because he was trying to get as many people in..and i had fun, and then i petted him at skool and was like "LUL I PLAYED A GAME WITH YOU LAST NIGHT ;3" and then we became instafriends and Skyped like every night and OMGpop'd every night too
Not long after while on OMGpop K'nuckles says "Hey Braden's on!"
So we go play with him
And our group becomes K'nuckles, Braden, and me... Every night.

Well, Braden is friends with Brandon, and i talked to Brandon like..once at the beginning of the year because it was Amelia, Braden and Brandon...

Braden ends up being on Oxy one day and chilled with me, fortunately. :3 Cause no one was there that day D:

So we've been like bofflofs since

And because i talk to K'nuckles and Braden so much they talk about Brandon [sometimes i bring him up for the lulz]
and i found out Brandon likes to draw {and he's in my art class : o}

So i've been...in and out talking to him... Found out he's a GoreFiend : DDDDD

Also: Braden started cuddling me first XD and now he's my cuddlebuddy because Larkin has a stupidboyfriend who's she's confusing me about and she doesn't want fuckin' cuddles from India D:<

anyway... So literally, within about 2-3 weeks i've gotten new friends.
And they are fulfilling my boredly life.

One i'm working on xD and it's increasingly hard to. But i think Brandon wants to talk to me sometimes too, cause we make tons of eyecontact but never say anything D:

Aside from new friends! LM.C released their new album, me thinks..cause i'm listening to what they have on myspace right now : o

Until...that very second when myspace decided it didn't want me to listen any more -_-

School is more stressing than i want it to be -_-
Like, this fucking magazine project for Darnell
Stressed about it as soon as he said "Group Projeckt" two weeks prior to it's alleged due date

YEAH FUCKTHAT
One group member was hospitalized-but he wasn't the problem. He did everything on time.

Kylee and Steph took forever to send me their shit so i could print it out
and i worked
and then on Saturday i was only able to get the sections i had done-AKA Andrew's and mine...

And today it was due, i had no clue, and didn't even bring it. I almost broke down crying during lunch... It was pretty fucking horrible, tbh.
But Mr. Darnell was nice and said he'd take our info and grade it on that.... Which means we only get like 1/5 the grade AT BEST


So i'm pretty pissed at myself for not doing as much as i could in the three hours-2 hours i spent last night instead talking to Braden
XD but i feel like i can also justly blame Kylee and Steph for sending me it TOO FUCKING LATE

Everyone's getting oollldddd

Uhhh.. i actually had something worth saying..

Well the rest of the schoolness is going alright. So USH, MATH and Mr. Harvey is killing me [WEEjyamaya]
FFFFFFFFF i rage at least once a week in his class

He's really fucking killing me..

I FOUND MY TWILIGHT PRINCESS WII GAME DISK

OHHHgoodness

I'll be playing that again [xD even though i still need to return Bogmonster's Castlevania D:::]

yeah..that's all for this month so far...




->
List to do
-Clean my room [more]
-Clean my desk -_-~
-Sweet lola outfits
-be more creative
-finish my anime series{or be where they're updated to} [ie. Gintama,ect]
-get better at school
-Buy christmas presents for my desired friends... :3 i gave up -_-
-start a line of Lolita
-learn Japanese
-meet more Jrock bands...
-get a car/Get my license..
-buy cool anime DVDs [Trigun, among many others..]
-finish up my dress

So ionno

Life is up and down...
I feel like a jerk, well...

I am a jerk, and i know this.
But i at times feel remorse too..
But like Keara finally realized, i try to do it for the better of my friends. When you're hurt, you learn it better, right?

Well, Harvey is driving me nuts. I can't figure out why he is either -_-
Darnell isn't bad at all. He's cool, and nice. Enthusiastic, like my sister said. But when you're being retarded you DO feel bad because he does that kinda "-_-"/"T_T" to you

Today!

Was the last day of Salmon Days [boo]
I went with Kchan, and it was fun.
We ran around, took pics and videos, and talked with bunches of people i wish i could never associate myself with. Even though, at times, they can be worthy of entertainment.
Oh! And we met up with Zack G and his girlfiend. :3
Zack's the same! He's grown, and his voice is deeper x3 but he's still the same Zack, with his jokes, and his speech-ways. His girlfriend is adorable, like a mouse. And she was very shy...


I'm excited to apply for the Spirit Halloween store that just opened up in Issaquah; but i haven't talked it over with Chris...and i'm unsure how to fill out all of the application xD[lulwut a branch of Spencers!?]

So i have to wait tomorrow when my mum comes home to help me out. And then see if my dad is up to driving me to two different places xDD [he'll probably hate it]

I bought this cool drinking...nozel ...thing..which i updated facebook with; and i'm gonna hang it up super cool.

And then i thought of that yaoi-traditional-japanese-artist dude [who's also famous in Lola stuff, apparently?] and was like "HOSHIT I THINK I'M GONNA MAKE A CHANDELIER OUT OF THIS OOOO"

And then at the SpiritHalloween place they have a smokebubble machine [which reminded me of Val ] which i'm SO excited to buy! Hopefully!
They're everlastingly entertaining

School, i hate it. I hate all the people, and i hate everything that concerns humans x3
Especially Larkin's boyfriend.


Anyway; so everyone's talking about "careers" and what they're doing

So now i'm gonna talk about my current projeckts:

After horribly making KelC's dinosaur bodycostume i received the striped fabric for my "blue and gray" dress design.
So far the pleated skirt has been finished. I kinda messed up already :////// so i'm trying my best to stay super focused on this project because it was SO hard to find this material -_- and i barely have enough for it..

So, my next step for the dress will be the full body. And if i have enough for a corset, then i'll do that. After buying the right boning, of course.

Then i'll buy my no-pill bright yellow Pikachu stuff and somehow find some shoes that will go with it, without being expensive @w@

Oh..and i helped Larkin sew up the sleeves/sew on the sleeves of her GloomyBear outfit [which she is right, she looked like a penis xDDD *OBSCENITY CUT!!!*]
But i am still thoroughly sad that they didn't get the tail on u_u seeing Larkin's bootyshaking a cute wittle stub would be adorable beyond comprehension xD

Speaking of adorableness....WHAT IS OLIVIA BEING?

Zombie walk?????
So far my family's still in, Larkin wants to go, i need to check again what Kendra wants to do.

And of course my VALLLELRIRIEIIER is gonna come; cause she's the craaaziziziest!

Unless mum and i somehow go thrift shopping before then [because we couldn't make it this weekend with me working, and Salmon Days :/] i'll still be Peggy; but with some cobwebs and deader makeup.

My mum? Ionno... i think Tara's in California???? I have no idea?

She's fuckin' crazy and needs get a real life xD but whatever! Her life, and she's enjoying herself, APPARENTLY! But i just have this horrible feeling it will bite her back in the ass.

And i know, if she sees me doing better, she'll try to do something to smite me/mooch. And of course i won't; because i has tough lubs :3


IS VALERIE SUPER EXCITED TO LIVE WITH ME?????

poop

that's all i can think of to say..
Materialism grows strong; some future things seem to be looking up.... And i hate Larkin's boyfriend!

And i'm sewing stuff..


->
List to do
-Clean my room [more]
-Clean my desk -_-~
-Sweet lola outfits
-be more creative
-finish my anime series{or be where they're updated to} [ie. Gintama,ect]
-get better at school
-Buy christmas presents for my desired friends... :3 i gave up -_-
-start a line of Lolita
-learn Japanese
-meet more Jrock bands...
-get a car/Get my license..
-buy cool anime DVDs [Trigun, among many others..]
-finish up my dress
-Make Pikachu costume

So i just had a thought;

Should i make Axio a Halloween costume for the lulz? If so, what?
I'm also thinking of making him a Bo-peep lola outfit too. Cause i'm kind of obsessed with trying to get my Bo-peep Lola D:<

Also:
For MY Halloween costume; should i go through with being a Bear with Mclane and Olivia [and now newly added Zazu]?
OR
Should i be Pikachu with Val?

they're both superfun sounding
I just don't know what kinda material to do D:


ORRRRRRRRRRR should i continue to raise my money throughout the year until April when i can make my Undertaker cosplay and use it as both Halloween [if i can] and Cosplay?


[edit]

FUUUUUUUUUUUU trying to get my Rasputina discography back... a much needed effort to get back my old music ;A;

Especially because Val listening to Kannon whatsherface reminds me SO MUCH of Ali Project; so i'm going to try to get some of my oldies back ;________;

So far on Rasputina:
OMFGGGSALINESALTQUEEN AND OMFGGGGGG SIGN OF THE ZODIAC, KURAMMAAAAAA
Trenchmouth too!

And most of the long-forgotten-and-very-loved songs by Raspu didn't work ><;;

uhh i don't want to Torrent u_u i hate it

[/edit]

->
List to do
-Clean my room
-Clean my desk -_-~
- Sweet lola outfits
-be more creative
-finish my anime series{or be where they're updated to} [ie. Gintama,ect]
-get better at school
-Buy christmas presents for my desired friends... :3
-start a line of Lolita
-learn Japanese
-meet more Jrock bands...
-get a car/Get my license..
-buy cool anime DVDs [Trigun, among many others..]